Being thrown away and getting up

Have you ever felt like someone you love took your soul, took your body and took your essence and threw it away? I have been going through this for almost two years. It’s not long compared to my 40 but the heart break feels like its lasting centuries. When I was in my late 30s my then husband told me he wants a divorce. It was a shock because we bickered like an old couple but never really fought. Maybe I was naïve I didn’t expect it. I was blindsided, because we were also shopping for our first home together with our child, and for our family. I was so excited to start life in a new city and new home.

He convinced me to rent for one year until we figured out where to live, what neighborhood. We looked but everything didn’t match what we wanted, and nothing seemed to work out. Anything I liked which was not much was shot down and he didn’t seem to like anything at all. I should have seen it coming. Your partner not satisfied with anything ever is a big red flag. Everything you see is not good, everything you do is not right, cooking is salty, and apartment is dirty.

About one year and one month after moving to a new city from overseas he brought his parents to visit us and finally told me his request. I was in full shock, my mind not processing or thinking. Not only did he tell me as his parents took our child to a kids place he told me we are to live in our rental apartment until our lease is over and we both move out. I have never in my life thought the person I have shared so much with would have so many demands of me.

As I am not much for confrontations and as heartbroken as I felt my whole world falling apart, I felt so betrayed by someone I considered for over 20+ years my best friend, my heart and my everything and everyone. Someone who should have my back no matter what, not only left my back exposed, but took the thickest sharpest blade and pushed it inch by inch, into my back when I was busy cooking our dinner. Too bad because his family helped too. Under the disguise of being there for both of us to support us I felt completely left out and the time passed, and I realized the only one who didn’t know was me (not counting out 6-year-old).

Funny enough the weeks before our child acted oddly and said strange things almost like she knew. I only thought about it later but kids feel things we don’t. She knew without being told that changes were coming yet as they came she didn’t understand why. About 1.5 years later as mother’s day was celebrated around the world I was left puzzled as to what to say to my child why her mom and dad can’t be or live together. So I said the first thing that came to mind and it’s that we annoy each her. I could not tell her because your dad left me.

The truth is I want to blame everyone else but me for my relationship fails but the failure is with in me. Dating my high school sweetheart is romantic but when it fails it hurts a ton. Not only did we not date other people we don’t even know if we are right for each other. Not having the experience of dating works against me, I don’t know what to do, what to say, how to build anything in common on a date to lead to another and a friendship or relationship. As fast as things happen now on social media they don’t in real life. Dating is hard and not natural on the apps. Meeting on apps where you can judge another person from a bad picture or really fake pictures its hard telling the real and the catfish. We want the perfect one for our age, our type, success, career etc., but then life hits you in the face and not many are real, and the real ones are juggling their own kids and ex’s. Between work and life everyone just is trying to keep it together, find happiness and eventually true love, if it exists.

As I look back on my life, I regret not being more outgoing and taking risks. I should have done more as inspired as I was, I don’t even know why I got stuck in the obstacles created by people who don’t have a creative bone in their body. Going back in time as I have heard from the many inspirational YouTube videos, you are the only one to blame your everything. As once I blamed him and his hard-headed family, I am only left to blame myself.

I wish I could blame my parents for not talking to me and teaching me, the truth is, I know that as immigrants of limited means they did what they could for us. So, as I grew my childhood solitude of drawing at my desk in a space shared with my grandmother who was the most amazing woman and best grandmother someone could ever have and the other my little sister who I used to argue with and fight with as we grew up. Looking back at it my grandmother and sister were the best companions I could have had as my parents worked to the bone in a factory. They had no time as they were here in America for my sister and me to have a better future and build the American dream.

Now at 40 I find myself at the start of my dream because it’s finally the time I have for clarity and thinking of what I want my future to be and my surroundings including the people surrounding me, to look like I don’t take for granted the lessons learned of the young free spirited girl I was. As I learn for pick up the pieces of me and put them back together the puzzle put back is now mine to shape. I leave my future in my hands influenced only by positive guides of life, experience, my loved ones no longer here and my sister, my best friends and my child. I hope to be in the position to teach her more than I was taught even as life changes throughout the next decade or two, and hopefully I will get to live and enjoy more than that. Find peace, find freedom and find the true me.

In the process of getting up, it takes time and that's ok. Good things take time!